This Little Light Went Out

It's happening again. Mu-mu is now the one taking a dangerous dive. She's been to the vet and all that could be done was for her to be injected with sub-cutaneous fluids (essentially electrolytes) to prevent rapid dehydration. She can't seem to keep her food down and has totally lost her appetite. Back to two-hourly feeds of just glucose to keep her hanging in there.

Eye bags and diminished faculties are my hallmark now. Good thing this two-hourly feeds are keeping me homebound or I might just be a liability to myself and others. My physical and mental coordination seem to have never me before. Lack of sleep transforms a person. I wonder at my previous life of insomnia and that of other people's.

Mu-mu hangs on bravely subjected to my force-feeding by (needleless)syringe. A mere 1ml each hour is all she can hold down. It's painful to watch her and she's losing weight rapidly.

surf n turf doesn't even mean anything

I try to entice her to eat. Prescription formula food from the vet which is supposedly very tasty. Not working. Softened little dried tuna kibbles. Not working. Steamed chicken breast. Not working. Back to syringe feeding.

Sitting at my keyboard while I work. Weak and not quite able to keep her head up.

The vet reckons home care is best at this stage. No vet's clinic could do the hourly intensive care and I plod on willing to try anything. A close friend who works with animal therapy has connected me to a kind senior vet who will take my call at any time and give me advice over the phone. She tells me to monitor Mu-mu's temperature- any one degree drop in body temperature over 48hours indicates a critical situation. I rush out to buy a digital thermometer. You figure out fast what you need to do when you need to do it! It really hit me. Normal temperature for a kitty is 38 degC. 37 degC over 48 hours is critical. Mu-mu was 36.5degC..... something inside plummeted for me too. The next four hours, she lost another .5deg and the next 4, another .5deg. She was slipping away.

Wrapped in a little sock-modified sleeping bag atop a heated pad
in desperate attempt to keep her warm.

I gathered her in her towel and warm pad and held her over my heart, sitting in the dark, the seconds ticked by silently. I hoped she would hear my heartbeat and whatever comfort that would bring her. The heavens began to cry and it felt like the open ocean. I cried till exhaustion claimed me. We clung together not knowing what else there was to do. I worried that I would fall asleep and she would leave. I worried that she would leave and I wouldn't realize. The was only a faint rise and fall of her chest. I walked as far as I could with her.Then she left me in the quiet before dawn and I felt her little light go out.

quiet moments when life hung in a delicate balance

It never gets easier- this letting go and I know it will happen again and again in life. I found my grounding in the quiet and still morning hours even though the breaking dawn colours were clouded by tears. Then my day's routine brought me back to the immediate and Hope needed her daily attention and Hilly cried for her meal service.

What better way to live through sorrow and loss than to appreciate life. I went out and bought a little pile of fresh fish, no bigger than a finger and Hilly got to enjoy the taste of her first fish.